From a young age, we are taught through the media that sex, romance and relationship is…. everything. The key to happiness.
Many of us awkwardly blunder through dating and finally find ourselves in a relationship, ready to experience the bliss we saw at the movies.
And maybe we do for like a year.
But then something happens.
Disconnection. Fighting. Boredom. Loneliness. Codependency. Bad sex. Mediocre sex. No sex.
When we hit our edges sexually or relationally, it’s tempting to pretend that everything is “just fine,” even when it isn’t.
It’s also tempting to try and “power through” on our own, be tough, shut down, and push away our needs for intimacy, emotional connection, and sex.
A part of us says that maybe what we want is ‘unrealistic to expect,’ or ‘only for other people.
But the truth is, we are not really happy OR able to function at our our most productive peak states when our basic human needs for touch, connection, or sex are not being met.
And when we do have these needs met, we see a ripple out effect, where suddenly and almost magically, we start hitting new levels of success at work, enjoying our friends and family more, and picking up creative hobbies again… without a feeling of even having to try.
The movies were right: Sex & Relationships ARE part of the key to happiness. They were just wrong about the pathway there.
IT’S NOT ABOUT FINDING THE PERFECT LOVE, IT’S ABOUT LEARNING ALCHEMY
If you travel in spiritual circles, you’ve probably head something along these lines:
“Our sexual energy is our creative life force energy. And when our sexual energy is flowing freely, and connected to our heart energy, we become unstoppable and magnetic.”
So yeah, that’s a lot of words, and it sounds nice.
But what does it really mean?
Well, think back to a time in your own life.
Have you ever been in love, sexully fulfilled, high on oxytocin and seratonin, and felt like suddenly the world was opening up around you and presenting you with new oppotunities?
You solve the tough problem, rock the job interview, go out to the club and charm everyone, or — for the introverts — your cat finally starts sleeping on your chest again :).
If you kinda know what I’m talking about then you have probably experienced the opening of your sexual energy (second chakra) and heart energy (fourth chakra) and having those chakras balanced, activated, and aligned.
That’s also one of the immediate effects of doing a Tantra practice.
And most people don’t know this, but there’s even more possible through consciously working with our sexual energy.
I’m talking about using our sexual energy for Self Healing.
Instead of just enjoying our sexual energy hedonistically, pleasure for pleasure’s sake (nothing wrong with that, btw!), or using it to create babies, we can also use this energy to heal our own bodies from the inside out and stay young and energized.
Srsly.
This can be done through simple tantric meditation practices that can be done alone or with a partner, clothed or naked. These practices have the potential to improve our physical and mental health and energy levels in as little as 10 minutes a day. Without taking antidepressants, working out, or even changing your crappy diet (LOL)!
I know, because I’ve experienced it myself.
THE IMPACT OF TANTRA AND SEXUAL ALCHEMY ON MY LIFE
As a Tantra Coach, I’ve been blessed to get to guide hundreds of individuals through these practices, and each time I do, I receive the energy clearing myself (because that’s how it works!). I’ve seen my personal health and mindset transform 180 degrees, from being stuck in the negative, scarcity issues and loneliness, and constant “fight or flight,” to being re-programmed to having a new set point at peace, security, contentment, and abundance mentality.
After a long day of computer work, I love nothing more than having a tantra client come over.
I get to shed all the EMF’s and stresses of the day, the effect of constant text and email notifications and people and tasks needing my attention, and get to just be present together in the moment. Two nervous systems co-regulating, spending facetime together, exchanging soft and sensual touches. In a warm candlelit room with fluffy pillows, nestled in a safe, compassionate, heart space that welcomes all emotions and sensations and all bodies.
To look into the eyes of another human, whether I know them well or just met, and feel like “I know you,” “I care about you” and guide them in a meditation that helps them feel that way towards me too.
This has been huge for me in healing from social anxiety, fear of other people, and specifically, fear of men.
Alchemy is to transform one element into another.
So the alchemy begins on a social level— transforming the fear of being alone in a room with a man, where there is some level of permission for erotic energy to potentially flow, and each time, creating a space of safety and connection.
But the deeper level of alchemy is inside your own body.
This is from the Taoist Tantra lineage made popular by Mantak Chia, that has been most influential in my life and practice thus far.
The method is to raise some degree of sexual/erotic energy inside your body, and then use the power of meditatio and visualization to re-direct that energy to other areas of the body that need healing.
The how-to, I’d rather walk you through in a session than explain here.
But you can picture a place in your body that hurts, or feels numb, or dead, or empty, and imagine that filling up with the most delicious, alive, potent energy, and having an almost-immediate change in sensation. That’s what we do.
The effects I’ve experienced from my practice are: immediate stress relief, increased immunity, better health, hormonal balance, less period pain and PMS, healing for my digestive system, opening my heart, trauma healing, nervous system regulation, and even increased abundance (especially when combined with sex magic). My clients report deep states of relaxation and bliss. And that they feel safe and connected with me almost immediately, even when they are super shy or anxious.
ONE STEP DEEPER: EMOTIONAL ALCHEMY
So if this body alchemy stuff makes sense to you, image now how we can do the same thing with emotional energy.
Think about someone in your life who annoys you. Picture them doing the most annoying thing. Imagine how frustrated you feel. Can you feel how BIG the emotion is? Now imagine that we can transform and liberate all that energy into a different flavor of emotion or energy.
So if this is your partner, colleague, or family member, you can see how this could be a really useful skill!
And to do this kind of Tantra Practice together with a partner, is what can lead to full-body orgasms and “heart orgasms” – when psychologically, you and your partner feel fully accepted. Instead of your partner trying to change you, or complaining, you’re able to actually experience the raw intensity of the emotion, but channel it towards sexual pleasure!
It’s incredible.
And it takes training and practice to get there.
Call to action:
If this is interesting to you, I invite you to take a moment and drop in and think about what kind of sex life you want.
What kind of relationships do you want? With your partner/s, friends, family members? Where are you ‘settling’?
What voices in your head come up when you hold the vision of what you actually want?
That it isn’t possible? That you’re too traumatized or fucked up to have that kind of relationship? That it would destroy your marriage? That your partner is JUST BAD AT sex, or maybe you’re just not sexually compatible, and that’s ok? That having a relationship isn’t that important to you? That you’re happy with continuing this endless string of one night stands?
I invite you to listen to the voice underneath that.
The warmth in your heart that longs to be held, seen, loved, to finally feel chosen, cherished, free, deeply understood, respected, valued, deeply connected, and sexually satisfied.
The tiny voice that says “maybe this IS possible. for ME.”