Every Fall, the Universe sends me a new lover.
As a Relationship Coach, sometimes it feels hard to date, because I’m used to a certain type of relating that frankly, not everyone knows how to do.
If I were to only date other trained intimacy coaches and therapists, I would not have this problem. Yet, turns out there are lots of cuties out there who I want to connect with, who do not possess these qualifications.
After connecting with a delightful new man for a few weeks, having deep conversations, sharing laughs, silliness, home-cooked meals, nourishing cuddles and so many other things I really liked, I also started noticing something that wasn’t feeling good.
After sharing a story about my day, or my feelings, or my childhood trauma, I was often met with a response from him that felt…off… to me.
What Was Happening in Our Communication
I would be sharing about something, which often had a component of emotional tenderness, and he would reply by jumping to the silver lining.
Stating a reason why that (challenging thing that had happened) was actually a good thing, highlighting the growth / healing opportunity for me, or finding what was there that could be celebrated.
It reminded me of a New Age cultural phenomenon, where everyone’s trying to focus on the positive and to “manifest” what we desire. And I’m actually quite down with that. I understand the benefit of focusing on what you want and what you’re grateful for, instead of fixating on the negative.
But the shadow of that culture can also sometimes result in a suppression of other feelings that are also really important. The feelings of pain that are there. And the opportunities to love each other in the hard places, not just when we get to the finish line of being Fully Activated Abundant Priestesses of The Light. Or whatever.
Welcome to the Dark Feminine. Leave Your Ego at the Door
This quality of “in-the-trenches-ness” is one aspect of what is sometimes called the “dark feminine” — the medicine of shadow work, being together in hard places, raw compassion, the by-any-means dismantling of hierarchical, egoic thinking.
The fierce open heart that Just Loves.
Everyone.
Equally.
In their finest moments.
But more importantly,
Also their worst.
Where My Bitches At?
Goddesses of the dark feminine include Kali, Innana, Vajrayogini, Persephone and more. Some may say they are ‘Tough Love’ kinda bitches.
But also, they are some powerful playa’s because they teach — through experience — a kind of love that feels… indestructible.
The ‘true’ (to me) Tantric Bliss state of ecstasy as found through the alchemizing of pain, difficulty, and death.
The turning of the ugly into the beauty.
Courageous underworld voyagers taking a fierce stand for
True Love.
When Vajrayogini (in Flawed Human Form) Gets Triggered
I noticed a familiar sensation in my heart, that kept happening, every time one of these little moments would occur with this man.
I would share the vulnerable thing, my heart would be open and hoping to feel some tenderness coming back at it, and then when he would reply instead with something that felt emotionally disconnected, or trying to tie it up in a bow, or fix it, or help me optimize myself.
And my heart would sink.
I’d feel a pang of sadness, grief, disappointment, disconnection.
I felt “missed.” (Pardon the therapist-speak.)
Like, he was missing the point.
Or missing the opportunity of the moment, which felt so obvious to me…. what I was wanting in these moments, was simply for him to empathize.
I didn’t say anything the first time.
It wasn’t a big deal.
Or the second, or third, or fourth.
But eventually enough of them built up, including some very tender material for me that we had been discussing, and I got very triggered.
And I communicated very poorly.
I was high on a lot of coffee and very upset about some things that we had been discussing the previous evening that I didn’t feel were Handled With Care.
How I — A “Relationship Expert“— Communicated
Did I sit him down, use Non-Violent Communication to share that A Thing had happened, and I was having A Feeling, because I also had an inner Need, and share my Request for the future?
Well, to my credit, I did get there eventually.
But what I did before that was be a huge bitch to him the entire day.
I have a charming way of doing that where I like to loudly bark orders in the general direction of a person who has upset me, avoiding making eye contact because I don’t want to start crying.
This particular day I may or may not have barked a command for him to make me a quiche, when he innocently asked if I had any grocery store requests.
Not my finest moment.
But Dark Goddess still loves me.
Right?
(And no, it did not work. No quiche was made.)
How I — A Relationship Expert — ALSO Communicated
But that evening, we did actually talk. And when I was no longer high on coffee and flooded with stress chemicals mid-work-day, I was able to articulate what was actually going on for me. I apologized (multiple times) for being a bitch. That was helpful.
And I shared about the specific huge thing that was triggering me, as well as the smaller pattern that had built up about wanting empathy instead of optimization.
I felt pleased with myself for my clear communication, and sat waiting for the heavenly chimes of Relationship Repair to start playing, as we met each other’s eyes and entered into a deep moment of emotional connection, now that he finally understood me.
What Actually Happened
Instead, he said:
“What do you mean, empathy?”
Oh.
Right.
Not everyone has a degree in this.
What I Mean By Empathy
So I’ll tell you what I told him.
What I mean by empathy, is that what I had wanted was for him to hear my story, sense — or ask me directly, if he couldn’t tell — the emotions that were alive for me with regards to this story, feel those emotions within himself, in the moment, and show me — with his eyes, his energy, his words, and maybe even a caring physical touch — that he understood the emotions I was accessing, and that he was with me in those emotions in the moment, caring about me.
He nodded.
We kept talking.
What Actually Happened
But instead of him following my clearly articulated formula, we went through the frustrating communication cycle a few more times.
With me sharing something vulnerable, followed by him finding the growth opportunity and saying how great it was.
I pointed it out again.
Coincidence or not, we were sitting on the same couch where I see my Intimacy Coaching clients. (Except I was in the “client” side seat.)
I got more and more triggered and decided that this is clearly a person who just does not share my values and we have radically different life philosophies.
I fantasized about completely cutting him out of my life. ‘Well, at least now I know,’ I thought to myself. ‘That will be easy. He’s clearly a narcissist and probably a sociopath.’
As I got more and more upset, I also got more and more vulnerable. I shared in very clear terms what feelings had been coming up for me around the super triggering thing, the thing I was *actually* upset about underneath all the other small things.
And then he Did It.
He said something like:
“Yeah, that sounds really painful. I can see how that would be really hard for you. And how much it affected your day. That’s a lot.”
And I could feel that he was in his heart as he was speaking to me. He was present with me, in the moment, and I felt a caring energy from him.
I lit up.
“You did it!!!” I squealed. “Thank you!!!!!!”
I smiled and followed it up with, “That’s all I wanted.”
And then we had a sensual cuddle that turned into a mutual healing session.
All in a good day’s work.